I'm all over the place, or four things I know about God

The meaning of life is such a thing that’s rife with cliché and even tedium. What is the meaning of life? It is such an overused question that we don’t think twice about it when we hear it. It’s annoying. It’s something only discussed in private quarters and with close friends only. Even then, it can be met with significant chastisement.

But I’ll oblige myself to be the one to step out and say that it is one of the most important questions to ask yourself. It’s a critical question that if it’s missed, may leave you wondering through life, being blown by the wind.

It can destroy you or it can make you whole. It destroyed me over and over again.

Let me back up. I wanted to push the boundaries and the only way I felt I could do that was to do it on a personal belief level. This is meant to say that I had to give a concerted effort at what I said and believe it to the best of my abilities. If my convictions say such & such, then I must follow them. I think I did that. If God must exist, then I must live accordingly. If god doesn’t exist, then I must live like there is no deity overlooking me.

I’ve been all over the place. To borrow from politics, I went all over the faith & belief spectrum; from the right to the left and back again.

But let me back up again. I completely abandoned Christianity, Christians and Christ with it. Purposefully. I thought in my wisdom that I had become an atheist. I guess I embraced atheism about 18 months ago. In hindsight, I think I saw that I was a shallow person. When I faced a betrayal within my church, I let it fester like an infected wound. I had everything figured out and was comfortable in that with no desire to grow. Then while I was on this cruise control, the question came: How do I know I’m right? I unraveled from there and slowly gave up on Christ.

I began to realize that I didn’t have everything figured out and I was quickly very uncomfortable. I was manipulated into doing something that was down-right foolish and I didn’t recover. It spawned by far the darkest period of my life. How I pulled out of the depression by any method other than suicide is beyond me.

I gave up on Christ, Christianity and then myself. Then somehow I redeemed myself, pulled out of the depression after about three years, and then gave up on God and embraced atheism. Richard Dawkins and Dan Barker had an influence on me. But in reality, I was already on the road in their direction. I wanted to go their direction: They simply produced the tools for me to get there.

I didn’t want to become a bitter I-hate-God person. It’s obvious when someone is blinded by their hate, instead of reason. They say there is no God yet much of their actions and words are to spite God. It’s never a denial. Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails somewhat typifies this person, as well as many of his fans. Judging Reznor by his lyrics, he’s my definition of the I-hate-God-atheist that begrudgingly and bitterly confesses belief in God. Consider his song “Heresy:”

"Your god is dead and no one cares
Drowning in his own hypocrisy
And if there is a hell I'll see you there
Burning with your god in humility
Will you die for this?"

It’s essentially a bitter atheist rant, but it’s hard to tell to whom the venom is directed: Either the blind believer or the hated deity. If the god is dead, then he was once alive by Reznor’s admission. A deity being once alive deserves further contemplation, let alone that’s still alive. It’s not the end, but a means to an end. A casual attitude toward an existence in hell is also intellectually dishonest. If hell is what we think it is, it is unwise to have a cavalier attitude toward it.

I had hit the reset button and said that I’d rather believe in the here and now then the unseen and eternal. This isn’t too strange, as it is actually familiar. We do this everyday. We still have to go work, feed ourselves, rear our young, work with our neighbors, etc. I’m excited that my infant son can now walk in front of the couch. That’s a simple joy I can experience. That’s living in the here and the now without any direct interference from God or denial of. I simply watched this unfold without praying, or invoking praise. The moment stands alone. That’s the difference. One parent rejoices that his son is starting to walk and the other parent rejoices and thanks God.

After believing in no higher power for a year, I discovered that I believed in the Universe as a life force of sorts that connects all things, here on earth and beyond. We don’t understand this force, but we highly respect it. Many atheists consider themselves spiritual people and many certainly are. I quickly found myself in this camp because I too felt a connection to the Universe around me. It was undeniable: The things we can’t understand.

Many atheists or agnostics by their own admission believe in “something more,” or “something bigger than ourselves.” It could be the strange connection we feel with our surroundings, our fellow beings, with the Universe. That doesn’t mean they contemplate this strange belief or even admit its existence, but it is there.

If there is no higher power out there, what is everything? The physical universe is so massive and poorly understood, why couldn’t there be a Universe, a connective force? If that were the case, I decided that it had to be one of two things:

• An all-knowing life force. Not a single sentient being, but the energy of all matter and living things, connecting the physical and so-called spiritual realm, if it existed too.
• An all-knowing deity. Actually, very similar to the above but this all-knowing deity was a single and separate sentient being. He is connected to us, but from a far superior position and is not an equal. He would be quite literally infinite. Just defining him as such puts restraints on our definition, making it a poor one.

Many people claim to know the “something bigger than ourselves,” and in reality, many of their philosophical points about a deity, even theological points, are correct. I’d venture so far to say many non-believers can define who god is better than a good deal of traditional Christians.

However, they are like blind men describing an elephant by touch: One feels the ear; another, the trunk and yet another, the tail. None can describe the heart or even the whole elephant. Then the blind man declares he knows everything about an elephant, yet everyone with sight can see that he is plainly wrong and making a rash judgment.

Note that either definition is rife with an absence of scientific evidence.

I researched and learned many things the past couple of years. With everything, I boiled it down to four basic conclusions:

1. Scientifically, you can’t prove the existence of God. However, that’s beside the point. That doesn’t take away from the wonder of the universe. The mere fact at how things interact and the fact that they do exist speaks volumes on this. When you look at things upside down, you realize that things like the Big Bang actually suggest a God. Originally, the theory was advanced in the 1920’s by Georges Lemaître, a physicist and a devout Catholic priest who was also an astronomer. For him, when learning of evidence in the 1960’s that strengthened his scientific argument, it also caused him to rejoice as a believer in his old age.
2. God must exist. Also, God must exist outside of nature. Since this is the case, God must be beyond comprehension, beyond measure and most certainly be able to quite literally speak everything into creation. The very act of trying to discover a “God science” is a joke. He could’ve created everything in motion last week and there is nothing we could to ascertain this. The film Inception is an excellent example of this. It can be confounding if you continue to bark up this tree.
3. The only way for us to relate with something so incomprehensibly great is through something personal. Something we could understand and relate with. It would have to be able to suffer, sympathize, and, dare I say, experience death. Jesus Christ is the only thing in the world that has done that. Anything in contention with Jesus Christ is not of God and is an enemy of God. I want to be on the side of this Jesus Christ. What I already know together with this personal revelation, this has shaken my personal life the past couple of months to its very core. It’s completely wonderful.
4. What I know about God isn’t much. What I know about anything isn’t much. In other words, I don’t know much.

This is where I am. I’m in a learning phase but very open and excited. If Jesus Christ is all that and incomprehensibly more, then he is worth exploring. He is worth all of my efforts. No part of my life should be hidden from this Jesus. If he came from God then I can’t hide it anyway. Any darkness I hide I only do so at the peril of my own deception.

I don’t feel ashamed of what I’ve been through, despite my past utter denial of God, Jesus Christ and everything Christian. I feel gratitude that someone could do such a thing and still be extended grace. I know this question has been taken to the edge and back by not near enough Christians. Too many are afraid to think about it. I now realize just how little I offer God; how meek I truly am yet He still offers me infinitely more. When I think of my road, I’m happy I took it as far as I did, yet fully grateful to be done with it and to have returned to this place of faith.

Am I a Christian? Yes, I’m a follower of Christ. He is everything to me and he radiates to the very core of my being.

No one is blinded by their faith here. By the power of God, we see. It’s the most beautiful gift.