Bottom five extreme sports

Too many things are called extreme. There can’t be much out there that’s extreme. That’s the point of extreme- it’s in the furthest reaches, reserved for those that venture that far. Not everything can be extreme.

In spirit of calling-out some of the sports that are under-qualified for extreme, here are my personal bottom five extreme sports. They should all be demoted. Extreme’s overused anyway.

5. Unicycling

I saw this listed in a couple of places. I respect it, but the coolness factor completely fails. This is a circus act. Sure, it looks great, but it’s more cute than anything. It’s what I’ll take my son to see when he’s five or so. He’ll be amused until someone like Travis Pastrana, Shaun Whit

e, David Mirra, Chris Sharma, James Stewart or Tommy Caldwell, or their future contemporaries, fill his imagination when he’s six.

Alternatives: A bicycle- all road, mountain and freestyle bikes count

4: Freestyle scootering

Not a chance. No Razor Scooter is going to fall in the same category as BASE jumping, white water rafting or big mountain skiing. Not a chance. I’ll break your scooter over your head if you argue for this and force you to watch anything by TGR or Pusher film companies.

Alternative: Skateboarding

3: Rollerblades

Rollerblading can be fun, a great workout, and a great substitute for ice skating during hot summer months. But by no means is it a sport in of itself. While many action sports can become an all-consuming way of life in their own rights, rollerblading offers no such thing. Unless you’re on a beach somewhere and want to be viewed as a spectacle instead of a spectator, go ahead. The advantage bikes and skateboards have over rollerblades is that once you arrive at your destination, you step off your vehicle. Unfortunately, you WEAR rollerblades.

Alternative: A bullet in the head

2: Yacht racing

At no point is this list inclusive to sports that I esteem in low regard. This is simply the bottom five in regards to “extreme sports.” Yacht racing, by a loose definition, is an extreme sport. However, I’d disqualify it for one reason: It’s extremely expensive. Skiing, mountain biking, climbing, they’re all expensive in their own right, precluding many from actually partaking in the sports. But racing yachts takes on a whole new level. I recently checked yachworld.com and the first two boats for sale were listed at $4,032,150 and then $599,000 respectively. Sounds fun, but not a chance. Case closed.

Alternatives: Winning the lottery

Counseling for you delusions of financial grandeur

A Kayak

1: Ski blades

Better known by the derogatory term of “gay blades.” Hey- I didn’t invent the term! Also called snow blades, it screams that you don’t want to learn how to ski. If you only knew what was said behind your back. It’s not nice. If you’re a ski blader, it means that you’re either testosterone-deficient or socially-inept. You’re slow on the hill and you get in the way in a rather potentially dangerous place. If you hit a bump at a moderate speed, you’ll likely lose control, unlike a pair of real skis or a snowboard. You’re actually a hazard.

If you ever encounter a snow blader on a ski hill, you can help:

a: offer compassion by befriending him. Most likely this person has no friends

b: guide them to the rental shop

c: rent a pair of REAL skis

d: offer to pay- this is the compassion part

e: show them how to ski

You can plant a seed but it’s up to him to allow it to blossom. If the seed doesn’t, then you’ve done all you can at that point. It’s not your responsibility. Hope and pray that he changes his ways.

Alternatives: Skiing or snowboarding

Derision

If any of the above are you, don’t leave a comment unless you want to change. Debating over your disease is a mute point. Just know that I’m here to help you get off your unicycle, snow blades, yacht, scooter or rollerblades and into something respectable.

And infinitely more dangerous.