Thursday, March 24, 2011

I'm all over the place, or four things I know about God

The meaning of life is such a thing that’s rife with cliché and even tedium. What is the meaning of life? It is such an overused question that we don’t think twice about it when we hear it. It’s annoying. It’s something only discussed in private quarters and with close friends only. Even then, it can be met with significant chastisement.

But I’ll oblige myself to be the one to step out and say that it is one of the most important questions to ask yourself. It’s a critical question that if it’s missed, may leave you wondering through life, being blown by the wind.

It can destroy you or it can make you whole. It destroyed me over and over again.

Let me back up. I wanted to push the boundaries and the only way I felt I could do that was to do it on a personal belief level. This is meant to say that I had to give a concerted effort at what I said and believe it to the best of my abilities. If my convictions say such & such, then I must follow them. I think I did that. If God must exist, then I must live accordingly. If god doesn’t exist, then I must live like there is no deity overlooking me.

I’ve been all over the place. To borrow from politics, I went all over the faith & belief spectrum; from the right to the left and back again.

But let me back up again. I completely abandoned Christianity, Christians and Christ with it. Purposefully. I thought in my wisdom that I had become an atheist. I guess I embraced atheism about 18 months ago. In hindsight, I think I saw that I was a shallow person. When I faced a betrayal within my church, I let it fester like an infected wound. I had everything figured out and was comfortable in that with no desire to grow. Then while I was on this cruise control, the question came: How do I know I’m right? I unraveled from there and slowly gave up on Christ.

I began to realize that I didn’t have everything figured out and I was quickly very uncomfortable. I was manipulated into doing something that was down-right foolish and I didn’t recover. It spawned by far the darkest period of my life. How I pulled out of the depression by any method other than suicide is beyond me.

I gave up on Christ, Christianity and then myself. Then somehow I redeemed myself, pulled out of the depression after about three years, and then gave up on God and embraced atheism. Richard Dawkins and Dan Barker had an influence on me. But in reality, I was already on the road in their direction. I wanted to go their direction: They simply produced the tools for me to get there.

I didn’t want to become a bitter I-hate-God person. It’s obvious when someone is blinded by their hate, instead of reason. They say there is no God yet much of their actions and words are to spite God. It’s never a denial. Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails somewhat typifies this person, as well as many of his fans. Judging Reznor by his lyrics, he’s my definition of the I-hate-God-atheist that begrudgingly and bitterly confesses belief in God. Consider his song “Heresy:”

"Your god is dead and no one cares
Drowning in his own hypocrisy
And if there is a hell I'll see you there
Burning with your god in humility
Will you die for this?"

It’s essentially a bitter atheist rant, but it’s hard to tell to whom the venom is directed: Either the blind believer or the hated deity. If the god is dead, then he was once alive by Reznor’s admission. A deity being once alive deserves further contemplation, let alone that’s still alive. It’s not the end, but a means to an end. A casual attitude toward an existence in hell is also intellectually dishonest. If hell is what we think it is, it is unwise to have a cavalier attitude toward it.

I had hit the reset button and said that I’d rather believe in the here and now then the unseen and eternal. This isn’t too strange, as it is actually familiar. We do this everyday. We still have to go work, feed ourselves, rear our young, work with our neighbors, etc. I’m excited that my infant son can now walk in front of the couch. That’s a simple joy I can experience. That’s living in the here and the now without any direct interference from God or denial of. I simply watched this unfold without praying, or invoking praise. The moment stands alone. That’s the difference. One parent rejoices that his son is starting to walk and the other parent rejoices and thanks God.

After believing in no higher power for a year, I discovered that I believed in the Universe as a life force of sorts that connects all things, here on earth and beyond. We don’t understand this force, but we highly respect it. Many atheists consider themselves spiritual people and many certainly are. I quickly found myself in this camp because I too felt a connection to the Universe around me. It was undeniable: The things we can’t understand.

Many atheists or agnostics by their own admission believe in “something more,” or “something bigger than ourselves.” It could be the strange connection we feel with our surroundings, our fellow beings, with the Universe. That doesn’t mean they contemplate this strange belief or even admit its existence, but it is there.

If there is no higher power out there, what is everything? The physical universe is so massive and poorly understood, why couldn’t there be a Universe, a connective force? If that were the case, I decided that it had to be one of two things:

  • An all-knowing life force. Not a single sentient being, but the energy of all matter and living things, connecting the physical and so-called spiritual realm, if it existed too.
  • An all-knowing deity. Actually, very similar to the above but this all-knowing deity was a single and separate sentient being. He is connected to us, but from a far superior position and is not an equal. He would be quite literally infinite. Just defining him as such puts restraints on our definition, making it a poor one.

Many people claim to know the “something bigger than ourselves,” and in reality, many of their philosophical points about a deity, even theological points, are correct. I’d venture so far to say many non-believers can define who god is better than a good deal of traditional Christians.

However, they are like blind men describing an elephant by touch: One feels the ear; another, the trunk and yet another, the tail. None can describe the heart or even the whole elephant. Then the blind man declares he knows everything about an elephant, yet everyone with sight can see that he is plainly wrong and making a rash judgment.

Note that either definition is rife with an absence of scientific evidence.

I researched and learned many things the past couple of years. With everything, I boiled it down to four basic conclusions:

  1. Scientifically, you can’t prove the existence of God. However, that’s beside the point. That doesn’t take away from the wonder of the universe. The mere fact at how things interact and the fact that they do exist speaks volumes on this. When you look at things upside down, you realize that things like the Big Bang actually suggest a God. Originally, the theory was advanced in the 1920’s by Georges Lemaître, a physicist and a devout Catholic priest who was also an astronomer. For him, when learning of evidence in the 1960’s that strengthened his scientific argument, it also caused him to rejoice as a believer in his old age.
  2. God must exist. Also, God must exist outside of nature. Since this is the case, God must be beyond comprehension, beyond measure and most certainly be able to quite literally speak everything into creation. The very act of trying to discover a “God science” is a joke. He could’ve created everything in motion last week and there is nothing we could to ascertain this. The film Inception is an excellent example of this. It can be confounding if you continue to bark up this tree.
  3. The only way for us to relate with something so incomprehensibly great is through something personal. Something we could understand and relate with. It would have to be able to suffer, sympathize, and, dare I say, experience death. Jesus Christ is the only thing in the world that has done that. Anything in contention with Jesus Christ is not of God and is an enemy of God. I want to be on the side of this Jesus Christ. What I already know together with this personal revelation, this has shaken my personal life the past couple of months to its very core. It’s completely wonderful.
  4. What I know about God isn’t much. What I know about anything isn’t much. In other words, I don’t know much.

This is where I am. I’m in a learning phase but very open and excited. If Jesus Christ is all that and incomprehensibly more, then he is worth exploring. He is worth all of my efforts. No part of my life should be hidden from this Jesus. If he came from God then I can’t hide it anyway. Any darkness I hide I only do so at the peril of my own deception.

I don’t feel ashamed of what I’ve been through, despite my past utter denial of God, Jesus Christ and everything Christian. I feel gratitude that someone could do such a thing and still be extended grace. I know this question has been taken to the edge and back by not near enough Christians. Too many are afraid to think about it. I now realize just how little I offer God; how meek I truly am yet He still offers me infinitely more. When I think of my road, I’m happy I took it as far as I did, yet fully grateful to be done with it and to have returned to this place of faith.

Am I a Christian? Yes, I’m a follower of Christ. He is everything to me and he radiates to the very core of my being.

No one is blinded by their faith here. By the power of God, we see. It’s the most beautiful gift.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Portfolio of phography #2

I couldn't stop with just five photos. Amateur photography means I'm the dork behind the camera on roadtrips and family functions. If you scan my Facebook profile, you won't see near as many photos of me as there are of my wife on her profile. It's because I take lots of pictures. Especially baby pictures.

Okay, so we both take lots of baby pictures. Enjoy.

Leaving Wyoming, actually, on the Colorado stateline outside of Cheyenne along I-25, July 2010.

March, 2010, sunset along the Truckee River just outside of Truckee, Calif. How I miss living there. At least it's just a 30-minute drive.

Summer sunset on the shores of South Lake Tahoe, California side, July 2010.

Summer Night's Concert, Schonbrunn Palace, Vienna, Austria. Mozart on the palace grounds in summer. Gotta' love the sacred home of classical music.

She may have been just a bridesmaid, but she was the center of attention for this moment stolen from the main wedding photographer at our friends' wedding in Graegle, Calif.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Portfolio of phography

I have a love for great photography. I don't think I've embraced it enough, however, with my Canon 7.1 megapixel point & click digital camera, I think I've taken a few thousand pics the past couple of years. So, maybe I should give myself a little more credit when it comes to photography. None of this is commercial photography, but it’s my only portfolio of photography around.

Here are the top five of my amateur portfolio of photography from the past couple of years.

Enjoy.


A statue in front of the University of Vienna.
Looking down Lamoille Canyon in the Ruby Mountains, in the heart of Nevada.
Couldn't pass up this pose in downtown Klagenfurt, Austria. The small keg is full of beer, of course.
I just really liked the close-up shot of rock ore covered with copper. Bagdad, Ariz.
Saguaro cacti only grow in northern Mexico and Arizona. This is shot just outside of Bagdad, Ariz.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Bottom five extreme sports

Too many things are called extreme. There can’t be much out there that’s extreme. That’s the point of extreme- it’s in the furthest reaches, reserved for those that venture that far. Not everything can be extreme.

In spirit of calling-out some of the sports that are under-qualified for extreme, here are my personal bottom five extreme sports. They should all be demoted. Extreme’s overused anyway.

5. Unicycling

I saw this listed in a couple of places. I respect it, but the coolness factor completely fails. This is a circus act. Sure, it looks great, but it’s more cute than anything. It’s what I’ll take my son to see when he’s five or so. He’ll be amused until someone like Travis Pastrana, Shaun Whit

e, David Mirra, Chris Sharma, James Stewart or Tommy Caldwell, or their future contemporaries, fill his imagination when he’s six.

Alternatives: A bicycle- all road, mountain and freestyle bikes count

4: Freestyle scootering

Not a chance. No Razor Scooter is going to fall in the same category as BASE jumping, white water rafting or big mountain skiing. Not a chance. I’ll break your scooter over your head if you argue for this and force you to watch anything by TGR or Pusher film companies.

Alternative: Skateboarding

3: Rollerblades

Rollerblading can be fun, a great workout, and a great substitute for ice skating during hot summer months. But by no means is it a sport in of itself. While many action sports can become an all-consuming way of life in their own rights, rollerblading offers no such thing. Unless you’re on a beach somewhere and want to be viewed as a spectacle instead of a spectator, go ahead. The advantage bikes and skateboards have over rollerblades is that once you arrive at your destination, you step off your vehicle. Unfortunately, you WEAR rollerblades.

Alternative: A bullet in the head

2: Yacht racing

At no point is this list inclusive to sports that I esteem in low regard. This is simply the bottom five in regards to “extreme sports.” Yacht racing, by a loose definition, is an extreme sport. However, I’d disqualify it for one reason: It’s extremely expensive. Skiing, mountain biking, climbing, they’re all expensive in their own right, precluding many from actually partaking in the sports. But racing yachts takes on a whole new level. I recently checked yachworld.com and the first two boats for sale were listed at $4,032,150 and then $599,000 respectively. Sounds fun, but not a chance. Case closed.

Alternatives: Winning the lottery

Counseling for you delusions of financial grandeur

A Kayak

1: Ski blades

Better known by the derogatory term of “gay blades.” Hey- I didn’t invent the term! Also called snow blades, it screams that you don’t want to learn how to ski. If you only knew what was said behind your back. It’s not nice. If you’re a ski blader, it means that you’re either testosterone-deficient or socially-inept. You’re slow on the hill and you get in the way in a rather potentially dangerous place. If you hit a bump at a moderate speed, you’ll likely lose control, unlike a pair of real skis or a snowboard. You’re actually a hazard.

If you ever encounter a snow blader on a ski hill, you can help:

a: offer compassion by befriending him. Most likely this person has no friends

b: guide them to the rental shop

c: rent a pair of REAL skis

d: offer to pay- this is the compassion part

e: show them how to ski

You can plant a seed but it’s up to him to allow it to blossom. If the seed doesn’t, then you’ve done all you can at that point. It’s not your responsibility. Hope and pray that he changes his ways.

Alternatives: Skiing or snowboarding

Derision

If any of the above are you, don’t leave a comment unless you want to change. Debating over your disease is a mute point. Just know that I’m here to help you get off your unicycle, snow blades, yacht, scooter or rollerblades and into something respectable.

And infinitely more dangerous.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Envy for the beautiful woman

Envy can be a treacherous lecher, devouring you and your good intentions. It can make the wise foolish and the fools dangerous. Some envy is thought of as good, such as the success of a good friend. You’re happy for them and say “Man, I’m envious of what you’ve done. Nice work.” It’s a complement.

Envy can be a motivator. If you see a successful person, it might prod you to worker harder and smarter. Envy can come in many forms.

Many men envy others. It could be for that other guy’s good looks, athleticism, money, nice car, lifestyle, etc. However, the most common object of envy is beautiful women.

Nothing will bring a beady glance from the corner of another man’s eyes like being with a beautiful woman.

Who cares about the Lamborghini, look at that girl, one might say. Sure, money can bring those things with it, but it all revolves around the woman.

The real coup de grace is being the guy with the beautiful woman. After his beautiful woman is noticed like a large elephant in a room, the eyes usually fall on her male accomplice. Likely, he’s being sized-up by the other men, intentionally or not.

Enter me. I’m that guy. I may sound arrogant, but I can make this a legitimate claim.

You ever have the experience of watching other men look at your girlfriend or wife and slyly nudge friends to look? What about another guy turning around, suddenly stunned by the beautiful woman in front of him and uncontrollably blurts out “Oh my God, that chick’s hot.”

It’s an odd kind of flattering. While she’s oblivious, I notice.

Yes. It’s happened. I’m the guy that you envy, but please don’t: I’m just lucky.

I’m not threatened. We have something else that may make you envy me more or be happy for us and respect us: We’re happily in love, too. Any action that is envy-motivated and aimed at dividing us would fall flat because of this.

Back on task, I love being that guy. I was a guy that could never get a date because I was either a chump or too busy with work and school to be able to really pursue the kind of woman like my wife.

Lucky for me, my wife’s story mirrors that of the Ugly Duckling. She was always beautiful to me, but she didn’t really “blossom” until a couple of years into our marriage.

We had a huge fight and it turned out we both felt like we’d want more honesty in our relationship. She had withheld her true beauty for some bizarre convictions that were subconsciously passed down from her mom. It wasn’t a doctrine that was ever preached in church, but a hold-over from her mom that would not let her wear makeup as a teenager. It took her parents' divorce, a step-mom and a couple of step-sisters to help with that at 17.

I told her that I wanted her to be something different than she was. I told her several reasons of why I loved her and what I wanted out of our marriage: Happiness, a family, a solid relationship. Then I did the unthinkable.

I demanded she be as beautiful as she could be. I demanded that she capitalize more on her seductive and voluptuous curves all for me. I wanted her to be my fembot, dream woman, goddess, and personal Victoria Secret model.

Her response? With a surprised grin, she said that was what she had wanted to be since she was a little girl. Even more so since we started dating. She needed me to tell her that it was okay to be beautiful. I happily obliged. Strangely, we talked about bikini contests; she wanted that type of sexiness. She already had the body for it: She just needed to embrace it.

I earned the envy projected at me by other men. I’m proud of her. Some may think that I must have money or be somebody important.

The reality is that we live paycheck to paycheck right now. I drive a 4Runner with almost 200,000 miles and she drives a Civic with more than 165,000 miles. We still rent an apartment.

I know of several men in similar positions. We’re all very happy with our married lives, not that beauty is everything, but we have that bond: We’re married to or dating beautiful women. It’s a special fraternity. I recommend everyone work on joining.

I don’t have all that money that makes chasing women easier. I have love. Love makes it much easier to get the right amazingly hot girl that causes envy in other men. More importantly, it helps keep her.

You can have all the envy and money and aphrodisiacs and status symbols you want. I’ll take love. After all, I have a beautiful woman.